Who’s to Bla-aaa-aame? Put it on me. 1

Most of the negative stuff that’s come into my life, I ushered in even when I did so unconsciously.  Who’s to blame? Put it on me – for doing it to myself.  I’ve observed this in others (friends, family, strangers) as well.

I invited the big bad wolf.  I welcomed the stupidity.  I didn’t pay attention to where I was walking and stepped in the poo-poo and failed to rinse it off immediately.  I engaged in wishful thinking.  I forgot to do a full and specific prayer for what I wanted.  I failed to plan.  I didn’t recognize that I already had what I needed to make better choices. 

I didn’t realize that I was worth more than what I accepted.  When I was  younger, I didn’t know that I was going to attract the good, the bad, and the ugly (in deeds not looks).  I didn’t realize that it was up to me to sort for the good, to screen for the people and circumstances that were going to build not demolish or deter.  There is power in youth and very few of us realize just how powerful it is when we are young.  That’s why there’s that saying, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

After hearing that Kanye West’s mother died from plastic surgery, I did a web search and saw some photos of her.  She was a beautiful and vital woman.  I couldn’t see why she needed plastic surgery.  (Although I can understand the want for it; but that’s what it was, a want, not a need.) I wondered why she would have two major surgeries at the same time.  Prior to the shows, Extreme Makeover, I never heard of multiple plastic surgeries.  It has always seemed to me that this would be overwhelming to one little or big, body.  Yet it is now done.  In looking at Kanye West’s mother, I thought, she was fine just the way she was.  She brought the action that took her out of this world on herself.  (Perhaps it was “her time” and she was going to die anyway…I don’t quite think so.)

I gave myself to the wrong man, I chose the wrong job, I left one job before having another, I spent when I should have saved, I didn’t ask for more and, in fact, didn’t think I could get more.  Oh she of little faith.   I wasn’t always the best steward of my resources, the most important of which was me…my own me.  I did it to myself before the bogeyman could do it to me.  I sent a message out in the world by being self-effacing, naively trusting that the universe and human beings were going to look out for me better than I looked out for myself.

One of the most painful things that was ever said to me, was said by a former boyfriend.  I share it not to have a pity-party because I’m not.  I’m just sharing to give someone else a lesson.  Experience is not always the best teacher, only the most painful. If by sharing my experience it saves someone else a painful lesson, I’d be thrilled, it would be worth the pain I endured.  He said, “I thought I was going to have to work harder to get you.”  I recovered from that remark and vowed that no one would ever feel that way about me again.

This hard-won lesson applies not only to lovers but to friends and to jobs.  We don’t have to be difficult just for the sake of being itches/witches/bitches but we do have to learn to be discriminating about the people and things we invite into our lives. We do have to ask and, when necessary, demand our fair share.  I have to be the gatekeeper for my own me.  And I thank God every day that I’ve been given the time to grow up and recognize the treasure that I am and live accordingly.

About Candelaria Silva

Candelaria Silva-Collins is a marketing, community outreach and programming consultant; writer; and trainer/facilitator who lives in Boston, Massachusetts. She has designed and facilitated workshops on a wide variety of topics including communication, facilitation, job search skills, team building, and parenting issues. She currently coordinates the Community Membership Program of the Huntington Theatre Company. Her work as Director of ACT Roxbury was profiled in several publications, including The Creative Communities Builders Handbook. Candelaria’s children’s stories, short stories, essays and reviews have been published in local and national publications and she is an active blogger. Her publications include the booklets, Handling Rejection; Pushing through Shyness: Networking Tips when You’re Shy, Slow to Warm Up or Just don’t Feel you Belong; and Real Questions about Sex & Relationships for Teens: A Discussion Guide for Parents. She has served on the boards of Goddard College, Wheelock Family Theatre, Boston Foundation for Architecture, and Discover Roxbury. She is currently Chair, Designators of the Henderson Foundation.

One thought on “Who’s to Bla-aaa-aame? Put it on me.

Comments are closed.