A Queen in the Country of Myself – Imagine 5

Sometimes I feel like a queen in the country of myself.  I am large and comfortably in charge there. I have vivid daydreams  about hitting the lottery big-time.  Oh, what I would do with my winnings! I would start a scholarship fund specifically for young men of color between the ages of 18-28 to fund post-secondary education or training.  I would donate books to libraries in the Boston Pubic Schools and see if I could endow a librarian position.  I would provide down payment money for a few friends to own their own condo or house.  I would provide a fund for summer enrichment programs for middle school kids.  I can go on and on and do, until reality hits and I am reminded that I am not in fact queen and I am not in a country of myself.

Still, I visit the imaginary world often.  Since I was a child I’ve made up stories, poems and lyrics.  I’ve entered the fictional world created by writers of the numerous novels and short stories I’ve read.  I’ve projected myself into stories and explanations I make up about neighbors and colleagues I do not know, strangers I see once, and semi-known people who regularly appear in my life.  I wonder – what is the story with the twins who work at the local corner grocery/ liquor store?  What does my hair dresser’s home look like?  What is it like to have a chipper personality like a former co-worker who was always happy?  Does that house hold joy or secrets?

I walk around with all these on-going conversations in my head, stilled only when I pray or meditate or walk or cook or make love.

I’ve been known to have imaginary arguments, where I get so and so told (whether they are a remote foe/threat or known itch/irritation).  Sometimes I wear myself out drawing an imaginary line in the sand.  I have private battles and challenges with myself.  The next time that she does this…the very next time he says that…I’m gonna…  Oh, I get people righteously told in my imaginary conversations.  In the real world, I rarely tell people off because I have a mind that quickly thinks venomous thoughts.  If put into words, these thoughts would not be forgotten.  So I bite my tongue and create a character to say in a story what I will not say in the real world.

That imaginary world is calling me now.  They know me there.  They miss me.  I worked so hard today they didn’t get much of my attention until now.  Here comes the Queen…All rise!


About Candelaria Silva

Candelaria Silva-Collins is a marketing, community outreach and programming consultant; writer; and trainer/facilitator who lives in Boston, Massachusetts. She has designed and facilitated workshops on a wide variety of topics including communication, facilitation, job search skills, team building, and parenting issues. She currently coordinates the Community Membership Program of the Huntington Theatre Company. Her work as Director of ACT Roxbury was profiled in several publications, including The Creative Communities Builders Handbook. Candelaria’s children’s stories, short stories, essays and reviews have been published in local and national publications and she is an active blogger. Her publications include the booklets, Handling Rejection; Pushing through Shyness: Networking Tips when You’re Shy, Slow to Warm Up or Just don’t Feel you Belong; and Real Questions about Sex & Relationships for Teens: A Discussion Guide for Parents. She has served on the boards of Goddard College, Wheelock Family Theatre, Boston Foundation for Architecture, and Discover Roxbury. She is currently Chair, Designators of the Henderson Foundation.

5 thoughts on “A Queen in the Country of Myself – Imagine

  • LeeAnn

    oh girl! I think my Kingdom is right nextdoor to yours…I only get so far (usually)as paying off my student loans, getting a REALLY good librarian’s position and managing to provide cash for everyone I know to even the playing field. Nice to know you neighbor – I’ll try to upgrade my selfish fantasies now :)

  • Candelaria

    Let’s have a party since our kingdoms are so close!
    I have a few fantasies that are just for me but those don’t come up first. Trust me, if I hit the lottery, I would the couch I’ve pined for and have a garden created that would be a wow!

  • Candelaria

    Well, if you say I’m Queen, then I guess I must be because you’re an Empress! It’s great to be recognized!

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