I Apologize to Myself 7

I apologize to myself:

  • for the opportunities I’ve squandered along the way,

  • for challenges I avoided,

  • for not doggedly pursuing my biggest dream,

  • for not being a better steward of my money,

  • for thinking small,

  • for being mean when it was unnecessary,

  • for not asking for help, which meant that I felt alone when I did not have to,

  • for not seeking advice, which meant I struggled far longer than I had to with problems,

  • for sharing the special Vee with people who were unworthy,

  • for believing I was not worth more,

  • for wasting my talents,

  • for telling off people who didn’t deserve it and being mealy-mouthed with people who should have been told off,

  • for wasting time because I thought I had forever,

  • for giving into my fears too often and therefore missing once-in-a-lifetime (as it turns out) adventures,

  • for not traveling when it was easier to do so,

  • for believing the hype,

  • for not becoming the librarian or scholar I was meant to be,

  • for disappointing my Mom,

  • for not being a better mother (I think I was pretty good but I could have been better),

  • for saying yes when I wanted to say no,

  • for sitting in sorrow longer than necessary,

  • for not dancing more,

  • for not realizing the power I had when I was young and beautiful,

  • for being ashamed of what little I felt I had to offer and not sharing it with two of my beautiful, now deceased friends,

  • for hiding out and shirking,

  • for trying to impress people who are not (and will never be) impressed by me,

  • for avoiding the word “no” and avoiding failing (it meant I missed some yeses and some successes),

  • for not demanding more out of life and for not achieving more.

I’m trying to be better these days.  I’m aiming to be my best self because I was given all the tools I needed to be better, to be more – I just didn’t understand that I  was the magic in my life…that my desires and my efforts were what would make the difference in things achieved versus those unattained.

Apology accepted.



About Candelaria Silva

Candelaria Silva-Collins is a marketing, community outreach and programming consultant; writer; and trainer/facilitator who lives in Boston, Massachusetts. She has designed and facilitated workshops on a wide variety of topics including communication, facilitation, job search skills, team building, and parenting issues. She currently coordinates the Community Membership Program of the Huntington Theatre Company. Her work as Director of ACT Roxbury was profiled in several publications, including The Creative Communities Builders Handbook. Candelaria’s children’s stories, short stories, essays and reviews have been published in local and national publications and she is an active blogger. Her publications include the booklets, Handling Rejection; Pushing through Shyness: Networking Tips when You’re Shy, Slow to Warm Up or Just don’t Feel you Belong; and Real Questions about Sex & Relationships for Teens: A Discussion Guide for Parents. She has served on the boards of Goddard College, Wheelock Family Theatre, Boston Foundation for Architecture, and Discover Roxbury. She is currently Chair, Designators of the Henderson Foundation.

7 thoughts on “I Apologize to Myself

  • Frank Curran

    thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and deep insight into yours and all of our human condition. While I don’t comment on all your entries(who could!), I do read every one. I am going to spread the Silva around!

    Thanks for reading and for spreading “the Silva.”

  • Candelaria

    Once we open up to the world, we find that we are not alone in whatever we are feeling or experiencing. I am glad that this blog gives me an opportunity to share and that those of you who comment take the time to do so. Your support means a lot.

  • Mary McCullough

    Your blog gets better and better. You make me raise questions about myself and the living of my life, especially the mothering part. And you do it with just the right balance of dark and light. Thank you. I’ll work on forgiving myself. Mary McCullough

  • Nyvia Colon

    It takes great bravery and maturity to reflect and perceive.

    As I found out several years ago that our physical emotional state depends on our ability to choose positive influences. Therefore, I have choosen to take responsibility for living a life of spiritual positiveness and giving up dealings with any one or anything that turns that positive spirit into a negative emotion.

    As Jill Jackson Miller, the author of “Let There Be Peace On Earth” developed her unique philosophy of Peace; I choose to develop my unique philosophy for living peacefully!

    Good luck with all your future endeavors!

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