The occupants of my household are clingy. I’m talking about the inanimate occupants* – the furniture, the floors, the art work, the photo frames, the dishes, the plants, and the technology, especially the technology. They call to me, vie for my attention, and distract me when I’m trying to leave.
It doesn’t matter where I’m going – a walk or a doctor’s appointment, or what I’m planning to do – make a quick run to the post office, attend a meeting that may bring me a contract to earn money to keep said household going, or a getting a pedi-mani, something in my house will distract me. It’s like the house wants to hold on to me!
What happens is that while filling the water-bottle to take on my walk, the dishes from last night’s dinner demand to be put away. They know they can wait until my return but they almost fly in my hands so I delay leaving to do this one thing (which often turns into another). A walk planned for 7:00a.m. can turn into one that begins at 7:30.
A picture that wasn’t crooked the day before suddenly needs to be straightened and then needs to be dusted and then I notice that all of the pictures on that wall need to be dusted. I mean what will it take, I rationalize, not even five minutes, ten tops, so I stop to take care of this.
What about dinner, the frig asks? Yeah, I think, I should pull out something for dinner. The next thing I know, I’ve plumbed the freezer and am browsing through my cookbooks and/or recipe notebooks and/or doing a quick computer search for a recipe.
I didn’t use to be this way.
I’ve learned not to turn on the telly or the radio or the computer until I get dressed for appointments that require me to be on time. After I’m dressed, and only then, can I turn on the computer, check email ortype a document. I have to time myself even then.
I could focus, concentrate and walk straight instead of the detouring, multi-tasking attempts, and flittering I do now.
So this morning, I was fully dressed, coiffed (if you can call what I did to my hair today a “coiffure”), with my face prepared by 7:30 even though I didn’t need to leave the house until 9. It is now 8:45 and I’m going to stop…this…post and pick it up when I return…that is…if this darn computer will let me. An email just came in I could check it quickly, right. No…no…I’m standing up, I’m saving this post, I’m…turning, the computer…off!
Post-script – I made it out and got to the tour of the ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art) in plenty of time!
Do you find it difficult to get out of your house?
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*The other animate occupant doesn’t seem to have this problem.
My problem is actually bigger. I don’t even want to be in this home, I want to move out and leave permanently, but it seems as if the condo itself is trying to make it impossible. I found the buyers, but in the end someone from my family stopped the process (I’m not the only owner). Before that I went to live abroad, got a job, visa, and in one day it all vanished and I had to go back. Each time I try to find some job or a way to earn more money in order to leave this place and live elsewhere, I get fired, or get filled with anxiety, or become sick (which is not that common for me in general), and always something additional breaks at home, there is always some emergency, or things break so badly that life inside that home becomes unbearable. Also, it doesn’t let me rest properly, I’m always tired, drained, I have no energy for life, so it’s very hard to sustain a normal job if you can’t ever get your rest. So I figured this house is trying to keep me locked inside forever, because I’ve spent 16 years trying to get out of it, leave, move out, and each time I had to come back. It seems as if I am not supposed to change anything in my life so I wouldn’t make my home angry. Each time I try to make extreme changes in my life, something dramatic happens in my home, or some outer circumstance that is very unpleasant, and makes my life harder and stops me further from having any normal change. It also doesn’t let me grow up and have normal life cycles like other people. I’m stuck in my teenage years even though I’m adult. Nothing happens and all energy I invest in making things happen in my life and making my life to flow naturally, gets wasted, because I invest all energy I have left in getting things going, but my home and outer circumstance just stop it, tear everything down and turn it back to the usual state of no change and no development. And each time it’s worse for me, as if my home is saying that I better not even try or it will be worse than it is. People don’t believe me, and that hurts a bit, because I can’t explain to anyone that I’ve been fighting for more than a decade and I trying everything. From conventional to alternative. From doctors, psychological counseling, career counseling, family therapists, renovating the house to EFT, NLP, Reiki, Reconnection, family constellations, Feng Shui, energy clearing, energy healing, psychics, astrology, prayer, yoga, mudras, hypnosis, acupuncture, positive thinking, law of attraction, just to name a few… But nothing worked. I’m still in the same place in all areas of life as I was 10 years ago… It’s not only hard to invest all energy in trying to live a normal life that is just forbidden to happen, but also have people in disbelief because this is something very strange and I guess it doesn’t happen to people that often or at all. I was seeking all over the place trying to regain my life, but it seems as if this condo wants me to stay frozen in space and time.
Thank you for responding to my post. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. It is hard to be tethered when one doesn’t want to be.
I am sending up a prayer and a wish that you will get the relief and freedom that you seek.
Thank you :)