Have you ever noticed that when cats and dogs get near each other, they immediately sniff, touch and frolic? They know something that human beings often forget – that touching and playing is essential to our well being.
I remember a period in my life when I was getting no touching, no hugging, no kissing, no frolicking, no nothing. That was a bleak period. I could get over the lack of Vitamin F if you will, but to not get hugged was a terrible kind of starvation. I was suffering from a deep case of skin hunger. My skin felt dry; like it would crackle like peanut brittle.
I have a few friends and some other acquaintances who just need a touch…a touch…a touch. Hugs on a regular basis would make them feel much better. They need that sense of connection one feels when one touches another. For many of them – it has been years since they’ve been in a relationship that included touching. If one is not in a relationship – it can be almost impossible to get touched. Think of it – living in a great big city with hundreds of thousands of people – and yet having no one to touch (non-sexually or sexually). How bereft!
I probably frightened a young friend once, when I grabbed his hand while we were walking down the street talking. I wasn’t flirting at all. We were talking soul-to-soul and it just felt wrong not to have skin contact while we conversed. I’ve also been in a number of powerful meetings and trainings where those of us participating got through a difficult project or broke through to a new insight or just learned something deeply and then we all said thank you and left. It didn’t feel right. It felt like we should hug each other. A couple of times in these situations, I’ve actually asked the other participants if they minded if I gave them a hug. I’ve never had anyone turn me down.
I made a decision a few years ago that I would say hello to people when I walk down the street. This can be a revolutionary act in Boston. I decided to use my home-training and say hello, like everyone in St. Louis did when I was growing up. I decided I wouldn’t worry whether the people I spoke to back. I have noticed that more people speak back now than they did when I started doing this. I have also noticed that some people, like teenagers, are surprised when I say hello.
If I could, I would gift massages to those friends who have acute cases of skin hunger. Since I can’t, I will be more demonstrative than my innately shy and sometimes aloof nature prompts me to be, and give them a hug. In fact, I’ll give a metaphorical hug to the world as I say my prayers tonight. Squeeze…squeeze.
I have always said hello to people on the street and in other public places. Eye contact alone can be misleading. I think this habit comes directly from my father’s midwestern confidence and cheerful personality. I wave to people when they or I drive by in cars on neighborhood roads. I started this after a vacation in the Irish countryside when I discovered that it is the rule that strangers should greet, particularly from the side of the road; my teen aged kids were appalled when I eagerly returned those fleeting waves. I often talk in elevators, and I usually try to be humorous, break up that interminably long, close ride. When I am walking and I see someone who looks lost, I almost always offer help; Boston can be a thoroughly confusing place to a native, let alone a visitor. But, I confess, the MBTA chills me, it has an ice that’s very hard to break, and I was a regular rider before the IPod, I can imagine how thick it must be now. I hugged two people outside my family in the past two weeks. One, a business associate who is down on his luck; he was visibly pleased. The other, a client who had worked her tail off to get a show up and running and was just beginning to hit the wall. She thanked me. I kissed a customer yesterday in lieu of a Christmas card. Does it all make a difference? To me it does.
Skin Hunger is a point well made. I realized the need for human contact several years ago and I took action—I had my first massage—to add that vital missing ingredient. Granted, this step do not provide anything other than human contact—nuttin’ sexual or erotic and definitely no happy endings—however a kind, medicinal, supportive connection with another person was established. Human contact is so important.
I’ve noticed some cultures around the world are so much more touchy-feely—the greeting with a kiss on each cheek or the “hello” hug. Unfortunately, as a society, we have become unavailable because we are fearful of one another—now I have to admit there have been situations portrayed on the news that depict such senseless violence however that is still the exception—thank goodness—not the norm . Moreover, I too began speaking to people on the street as I pass; my grandmother, from the south, was bothered by the unfriendliness of the north, “Where I come from you even speak to a dog that passes on the street.” I believe we can make a difference by extending a reasonable amount of kindness and a smile whenever we can. And remember, be wise as a serpent yet gentle as a dove.
P.S. I highly recommend a modality of bodywork called cranial sacral massage.
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