Do I do that? 7

I don’t want to be:7446a5f6d309d2331ad52b5caba7eb99

  • A bitch
  • A witch
  • A person with a chip on my shoulder
  • The person who steers an event from positive to negative
  • The words that rain on the parade
  • Catty just to be catty
  • Negative just to be negative
  • Exclusionary
  • An obstacle or block
  • The Curmudgeon or contrarian

Recently, I was witness to conversations where I saw women obliterate an event that was going well with their words, tone, volume and attitude.  They were so effective in sucking the love-vibe out of the room that in my mind’s eye, I quickly rushed to the mirror to look at myself.

Do I do that? I asked ,myself.  I don’t’ want to do that.

Oh, no or should I say oh, yes, I have done that.  I have copped a ‘tude and changed the temperature of the meeting or encounter.

After witnessing the behavior, I realize I have to work hard not to do that.  I have to get a grip.  I don’t have to say everything I think – especially those first forceful thoughts.

I don’t  have to:

  • Magnify
  • Illuminate
  • Explain
  • Fill in the gaps
  • Show how much I know think I know

How many people and ideas have I blocked because of:


  • My impatience
  • My rudeness
  • Not listening
  • My way or the highway
  • My pushiness
  • A bad mood
  • Insecurity
  • Being around people who push my buttons (usually because of my issues with class, naiveté and know-it-alls)
  • Etcetera

Even when my motives have been to help by clarifying a situation, pointing out the elephant in the room or speaking truth to power, I was rain instead of soil.  So, I’m going to practice counting to 25 before I speak; sending my thoughts – if truly necessary – via email, a note or the feedback form;  or mindfully meditating to get calm and focus on the speaker/presenter and keeping my mouth shut.  Don’t think I’m zoning out, I’m turning in.


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About Candelaria Silva

Candelaria Silva-Collins is a marketing, community outreach and programming consultant; writer; and trainer/facilitator who lives in Boston, Massachusetts. She has designed and facilitated workshops on a wide variety of topics including communication, facilitation, job search skills, team building, and parenting issues. She currently coordinates the Community Membership Program of the Huntington Theatre Company. Her work as Director of ACT Roxbury was profiled in several publications, including The Creative Communities Builders Handbook. Candelaria’s children’s stories, short stories, essays and reviews have been published in local and national publications and she is an active blogger. Her publications include the booklets, Handling Rejection; Pushing through Shyness: Networking Tips when You’re Shy, Slow to Warm Up or Just don’t Feel you Belong; and Real Questions about Sex & Relationships for Teens: A Discussion Guide for Parents. She has served on the boards of Goddard College, Wheelock Family Theatre, Boston Foundation for Architecture, and Discover Roxbury. She is currently Chair, Designators of the Henderson Foundation.

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7 thoughts on “Do I do that?


    Reading this article and the self-reflection that it contained started me thinking about the scabs on my personality and the rough edges that leap out before the words are even formed. Putting together my own list now and trying to be better!

  • Denise Dabney

    Candelaria, thank you for your honesty! I know that I have been guilty of “poisoning the water” for no good (certainly not noble) reason other than somehow I needed to tout my ego, insecurity or just my negativity. In active conversations, I’ll be asking myself if do I that and checking myself when I do.

    • Candelaria Silva Post author

      It is always helpful to know that others relate to what I’m blogging. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment and for assessing your own behavior in this regard. We humans should continuously improve and evolve.

  • Helen M Credle

    “Do I do That”???? I have DONE THAT without intent.
    I have DONE THAT in an attempt to defend my position.
    A position that always seemed to be so out-of-pocket and so different from the core of the discussion.
    My decision “NOT TO DO THAT AGAIN” is to do more seeking and less speaking.
    To my amazement it has worked wonders.
    I began listening to HEAR instead of listening to RESPOND.
    When you seek and not speak you see energy emissions from folks differently.
    When you LOOK to SEE you tend to see the unexpected result of the SEEING versus the LOOKING.
    The more you SEE the less words you find to SPEAK.
    It’s an amazing discovery of the powerful action: SEEK AND YE SHALL FIND…I was totally blown away.
    I learned sooooooooo much about myself and the power of not taking anything PERSONALLY.

      • Helen M Credle

        More seeking…less speaking is working in ways I’d never dreamed of.
        It has allowed me to increase my capacity to see more clearly and understand how talking zaps energy.
        I understand why “Jesus, The Christ”, used parabals to answer questions or explain decisions.
        Seeking not Speaking is becoming a fascinating journey.